Jewish Funeral Customs: What Happens, What to Wear and Say

Customs vary between communities, between Israel and abroad, and between families. When something matters, ask the family’s rabbi or the chevra kadisha, the burial society.

Why the burial is so quick

The Torah says the dead should be buried “the same day”, so Jewish practice is to bury without unnecessary delay, often the same day or the next. “Within 24 hours” is a common aim, not a fixed rule. A funeral may wait a little so that close family can arrive; paperwork, a coroner or flying the body to Israel can delay it further. There are no burials on Shabbat or Yom Kippur, festivals have their own rules, and in Jerusalem funerals are held even at night.

The chevra kadisha and the tahara

Before the burial, the chevra kadisha performs the tahara: men for a man, women for a woman, they gently wash the body, pour water over it in purification and dress it in plain white linen shrouds. The Talmud tells that Rabban Gamliel asked to be buried in simple linen garments, because the cost of burial had become harder on families than the death itself, and since then rich and poor are buried alike. There is no embalming and no viewing.

In Israel, shrouds; abroad, a coffin

At most cemeteries in Israel there is no coffin: the body, wrapped in shrouds (men often in a tallit too), is carried to the grave on a stretcher. Military funerals use a coffin. In the UK, the US and elsewhere outside Israel, a coffin is used, traditionally of plain wood, and it stays closed.

Keriah: tearing a garment

The closest relatives (children, parents, siblings and spouse) tear a garment they are wearing and say “Baruch Dayan HaEmet”, blessed is the true Judge. For a parent the tear is usually on the left, over the heart; for others, on the right. The rabbi or someone from the chevra kadisha starts the cut; some communities abroad tear a black ribbon instead. The garment is worn through the shiva. When and how varies, so follow whoever leads the funeral.

Eulogies and El Malei Rachamim

The service is short: psalms, then eulogies (the hesped) from family, friends or a rabbi. Many speakers end by asking the person’s forgiveness, and on certain days only a few words are said. How to write a eulogy. Before the procession or at the grave, depending on custom, the cantor or someone from the chevra kadisha chants El Malei Rachamim with the person’s Hebrew name.

At the grave

The Hebrew word for a funeral, levaya, means accompanying: walking behind the body, even for a few steps, is counted a great kindness. Once the body is lowered, the mourners and then others fill the grave with earth; some use the back of the shovel at first. The shovel is not handed on: each person puts it back in the earth for the next. One explanation: grief should not pass from hand to hand.

Then the mourners say Kaddish, in many communities a special burial version that someone from the chevra kadisha reads with them. Often those present form two lines for the mourners to walk through, with the traditional words: “May God comfort you among the other mourners of Zion and Jerusalem.”

Leaving the cemetery

At the exit people wash their hands from a cup, often three times on each hand in turn. The cup is put down, not handed on, and many let their hands dry in the air.

The meal of condolence and the shiva

At home, the mourners’ first meal (the seudat havra’ah) is traditionally made by neighbours and friends, not the family, often with hard-boiled eggs and lentils. These are round foods: in the Talmud’s image, mourning is a wheel that comes round to everyone. With it the shiva begins: seven days from the burial, when the family stays at home and visitors come to comfort them.

For guests, including non-Jewish guests

You need not be Jewish, know the prayers or have known the person well; knowing the family is enough. Follow the people around you.

What to wear

Modest, plain and dark, not necessarily black. At an Orthodox funeral women wear a skirt below the knee and cover their shoulders. Men cover their heads; kippot are usually at the entrance, and a non-Jewish man wearing one shows respect, not faith. Wear shoes for gravel and earth.

Why no flowers

Flowers are not part of a traditional Jewish funeral: the same simplicity as the shrouds, and a custom that belongs to other traditions. At a Jewish grave, visitors leave a stone instead. Give to a charity the family names, or send food to the shiva house. In Israel, flowers are common at many secular and military funerals; if unsure, leave them at home.

What to say

Less than you think. The Mishnah advises not to comfort mourners while their dead lies before them, so before the burial “I’m so sorry” is plenty. After it come the traditional words; at the shiva, memories. What to say to someone grieving

A few more things

• Silence your phone and take no photographs.
• Kohanim, men of priestly descent, traditionally stay out of cemeteries except for a close relative’s funeral.
• In Jerusalem and some Orthodox communities there are customs about who goes to the grave (the children of the person who died, for example, or women). The chevra kadisha will explain what is done there.

Keeping a record of the day

A week later the funeral is a blur: who spoke, what they said, who came from far away. Ask the speakers for their pages, and someone to note who was there. You will want both later. A memorial page on Place a Stone is one place to keep the eulogies, beside the memories relatives and friends send in once the page is open; the family chooses what appears.