What to Say to Someone Grieving: Condolences, Shiva Visits

Almost everyone feels they have nothing to say. The good news is that you do not need much. Mourners rarely remember who found the perfect sentence; they remember who came, who wrote, and who told them something about the person they did not know.

Updated October 15, 2026 · 6 minute read

The traditional words

When leaving a shiva house, the traditional Jewish words are “HaMakom yenachem etchem betoch she’ar avelei Tzion viYerushalayim”, “May God comfort you among the other mourners of Zion and Jerusalem.” In many Sephardi communities people say “Min hashamayim tenuchamu”, “May you be comforted from Heaven.” On hearing of a death some say “Baruch Dayan HaEmet”, “Blessed is the true Judge.” In writing, the familiar lines are “I am so sorry for your loss”, “May his memory be a blessing” and “Wishing you long life.”

At a shiva or a visit: a few simple rules

Let the mourner begin. By Jewish tradition, visitors do not start the conversation until the mourner speaks. Whatever your tradition, it is good advice: they may want to talk about the person, or about something else entirely.
Listen more than you talk. Sitting in silence with someone is not a failure. It is presence.
Share a memory. The most comforting thing you can bring is a story about the person who died, especially one the family does not know.
Keep it short. Twenty minutes to half an hour is usually enough. Others are coming, and the mourners are exhausted.
Check the visiting hours. The family usually lets people know when to come. Comforting mourners on Shabbat is permitted, and in many communities people do visit then, but many families do not receive visitors on Shabbat, so go by the hours the family gives.
Food helps. A shiva house hosts a great deal and cooks very little. A ready meal, arranged with someone in the family, is real help.

What is better left unsaid

“I know exactly how you feel.” Even if you have been through something similar, every grief is different.
“At least he had a long life.” “At least she didn’t suffer.” “At least” makes the pain smaller.
“Everything happens for a reason.” If the mourners say it themselves, you can agree. Saying it to them is different.
“Be strong.” They do not need to be. They are allowed to be weak now.
Questions about how the person died. If they want to tell you, they will.

Condolence messages: examples

To a close friend

I heard about your dad and I don’t have words. I’m so sorry.I keep thinking of him driving us to the beach every summer, singing the whole way.I’m here for anything, middle of the night included.

To a colleague

I was so sorry to hear about your mother. May her memory be a blessing.Don’t worry about anything at work. We have it covered. Take all the time you need.

To a family you know less well

We are deeply sorry for the loss of Moshe. He was a good neighbour and a warm man, and we will miss him.May you be comforted among the mourners of Zion and Jerusalem.

Some weeks later

I was thinking of you today. I know the shloshim is coming up.I wanted you to know I still remember her. Her laugh in the kitchen.

After the first week

Most support arrives in the first week and then disappears. It is later (at the end of the first month, the first holiday, the first anniversary) that a short message means the most. Put the date in your calendar. The yahrzeit calculator will tell you when it falls.

And if the family has made a memorial page, that is the place to write your memory. It stays there, and they will read it for years, long after a text message has sunk to the bottom of a chat.

When is the yahrzeit?

The calculator finds the Hebrew date of death and the yahrzeit for the next ten years.

Open the yahrzeit calculator

Common questions

What do you say when you arrive at a shiva house?

By custom you do not greet the mourners or open the conversation; you sit and wait for them to speak. If that feels awkward, a look, a hand on the shoulder or “I’m so sorry” is enough.

What do you say when you leave a shiva house?

“HaMakom yenachem etchem betoch she’ar avelei Tzion viYerushalayim”, “May God comfort you among the other mourners of Zion and Jerusalem.” In many Sephardi communities, “Min hashamayim tenuchamu.”

Is it all right to send condolences by text?

Yes, especially if you are not very close or cannot visit. A personal message with something you remember about the person means more than a long, general one.

One place for everything that remains

A memorial page you keep: the life story, photographs, recordings, and memories that family and friends send and you approve. A reminder before each yahrzeit when the page keeps the Hebrew date, and everything downloadable at any time. Creating and filling the page is free. It stays private, seen only by you, until you open it to others with one payment: ₪99 in Israel, $39 elsewhere. No subscription.

Create a memorial page See an example page