How to Write a Eulogy: A Guide with Questions to Get Started

What a eulogy is for

A eulogy does two things: it honours the person who died, and it gives the people left behind a way to grieve and to remember what they learned from them. The Jewish tradition of the hesped adds one rule worth keeping whatever your background: praise must be true. Do not exaggerate or attribute to someone what was not in them. That is also the secret of a good eulogy: people are moved by the truth, not by superlatives.

Before you write: gather stories, not adjectives

The most common mistake is a list of qualities: “He was generous, wise, loving.” Everyone already knows. What stays with listeners is one story that shows the generosity. Ask yourself, and ask the family:

• What would they be doing on a Saturday morning?
• What did they always say?
• What did they teach you without meaning to?
• When did you see who they really were? One small moment.
• What made them laugh? What did they refuse to give up on?
• What will actually be missing now, on an ordinary day?

Write down everything that comes, without filtering. A five-minute phone call with a sibling or an old friend often produces the best story. How to collect memories from family

A simple structure that works

1. Opening (a sentence or two): who you are and how you are connected. “I’m Noa, Rachel’s eldest granddaughter.”
2. Who they were: a few sentences about their life (where they came from, what they did, who their people were). Not a full biography.
3. Two or three stories: each showing a different side of them. This is the heart of the eulogy.
4. What they leave behind: what carries on (a value, a habit, a saying, a recipe, a family).
5. Closing: speak to them directly, read a verse, or end with something they would have said. “Rest now, Grandma. We will keep making the cake.”

How long to speak

Three to five minutes, roughly 400 to 600 words. Several people usually speak, and at a graveside the mourners are standing. A short, precise eulogy is better than a long, scattered one. If you have more to say, keep some of it for the memorial service or the first anniversary.

What to avoid

• Settling scores. This is not the place for an old family argument, not even by hint.
• Inside jokes only two people understand. If a joke needs explaining, it does not work in a eulogy.
• Exaggeration. “The best person in the world” moves people less than one true story of kindness.
• Long medical detail about the illness. One sentence, if any. The eulogy is about the life.

Standing up and reading it

• Print it or write it in large letters. A phone screen goes dark at exactly the wrong moment.
• Read it aloud at least once beforehand, to hear where you stumble.
• It is fine to cry. It is fine to stop, breathe and carry on. Nobody there expects a perfect speech.
• If you are afraid you will not manage, ask someone close to stand beside you and take over if needed.

At a Jewish funeral, on certain days (Chol HaMoed, Rosh Chodesh, Chanukah, Purim, the month of Nisan and others) a formal eulogy is customarily not given, and a few short words in the person’s memory are said instead. If the funeral falls on such a day, ask the rabbi or the burial society.

A short example

After the funeral

The eulogies are part of the memory. Keep them: yours, and ask the others for what they said. A memorial page is a good place to keep them, together with the stories that did not fit, and once the page is open, people who were not there can read them on the anniversary.