A Letter to Mom or Dad in Heaven: How to Write One

Since your mother or father died, there are things you have wanted to tell them, and things you never got to say. A letter is one way to say them. It does not need to be beautiful or finished, and nobody has to read it but you.

Updated October 15, 2026 · 6 minute read

Why write to someone who will not read it

For most of your life, when something happened, you could tell them. That conversation did not wind down; it stopped mid-sentence. Many people find that writing to their mother or father picks it up again: the news, the thank-you never said out loud, the argument never finished. Some grief counsellors suggest it for exactly that reason. You do not need to believe they can read it. It is enough that you have said it.

A letter is not a eulogy (for that, see a eulogy for a mother or for a father). It is to them, not about them, and it can hold what you would never say in public.

When to write: their birthday, the anniversary, a day they should have been there

Their birthday. The first one after the death is often harder than expected. A letter gives the day something to hold.
The anniversary of the death. The day of a memorial service or a visit to the grave (for Jewish families, the yahrzeit, on the Hebrew date). The calculator works it out. Many people write a new letter every year.
A day they should have been at. A wedding, a birth, a graduation; the first Christmas, Thanksgiving or Passover without them; Mother’s Day or Father’s Day.
An ordinary day. The moment you reach for the phone to tell them something, and remember. You already have the first sentence.

How to begin

Call them what you called them. Not “Dear Mother” if she was Mom; not “Father” if he was Dad, Pop or Abba.
Start with where you are. “It’s Sunday, it’s raining, and I’m sitting at your kitchen table.” It gets the pen moving.
Write the way you talked. If your family never said “I love you”, you do not have to start with it. You may find it at the end.
Do not aim for finished. Write fast, by hand if you can, and reread only when you are done. You can keep it, rewrite it or tear it up.

What to write about: prompts

If the page stays blank, pick one of these and answer it as if they had asked:

What has happened since you died. The grandchild who started walking, the new job, the team that finally won.
What I understand now. Something they said or did that only made sense once you were doing it yourself.
One memory. Not “you were always there for me” but one afternoon: where you were, what was said, what the light was like.
A question I never asked. About their childhood, a decision they made, how they got through it.
Thank you. For something specific: the rides home at midnight, the money they pretended was nothing.
I’m sorry. For the last argument, the postponed visit, not being there at the end, or whatever you have carried since.
What I am keeping of you. A habit, a recipe, a phrase you catch yourself saying.

Examples

To a mother

Mom,I made your lentil soup on Friday, from the stained card, and it still came out too thick. You never wrote down the part you did by eye.Maya asked if you taught me. I said yes, and then I had to go and stand on the balcony.I used to call you from the car so I would have an excuse to hang up. I’m sorry. I would give a lot now for one more of those calls, even a long one about the neighbours.

To a father, on his birthday

Dad,You would have been seventy-four today. I bought the cheap chocolate cake only you liked.Since Noam was born, I check the lock twice every night. I used to roll my eyes at you for that.I never asked: were you frightened when you came to this country at nineteen with one suitcase? You always told it as a funny story. I would like to hear the other version.

When the relationship was complicated

Not every letter is a love letter, and it does not have to be. If there was distance, anger or hurt between you, the letter can hold that too, alongside whatever else is true.

Dad,We never really talked while you were alive, and it is not easier now.I am still angry about the years you weren’t there. I am also the one who drove four hours to sit with you in the hospital. Maybe both are true.You taught me to change a tyre when I was nine. It is one of about three good memories, and I keep it carefully.I am not writing to forgive you. I just wanted to say this once, to you.

Examples only: your letter should sound like you

If grief starts to feel unmanageable, talking to a professional (a grief counsellor, a therapist or your doctor) really does help.

What to do with the letter

Keep it. In a drawer, or in a notebook where next year’s letter will go too. Over the years the letters become a record of your life without them.
Read it at the grave. Aloud or silently. Some leave the letter there; others take it home.
Read part of it at the memorial. At an anniversary gathering or an azkara, a few lines spoken to them can say more than a speech. What to say on the anniversary of a death
Share it with your brothers and sisters. Each of you had a slightly different parent; your letter may bring back something they had forgotten. Gathering memories from the family
Add it to a memorial page. There it sits beside the photographs and, once the page is open, beside the memories relatives and friends send in, where grandchildren will find it years from now.

One place for everything that remains

A memorial page you keep: the life story, photographs, recordings, and memories that family and friends send and you approve. A reminder before each yahrzeit when the page keeps the Hebrew date, and everything downloadable at any time. Creating and filling the page is free. It stays private, seen only by you, until you open it to others with one payment: ₪99 in Israel, $39 elsewhere. No subscription.

Create a memorial page See an example page

Common questions

What do you write in a letter to a parent who has died?

Whatever you would tell them if you could: what has happened since, a memory, a thank-you, an apology, a question you never asked. It does not need to be polished.

How can I honour my mom or dad on their birthday?

Many people do something their parent loved (cook their dish, play their music) and write them a few lines. Some families light a candle that day.

What can I do on the anniversary of their death?

Visit the grave, gather the family, light a candle, or give to a cause they cared about; Jewish families mark the yahrzeit on the Hebrew date. A new letter each year is a quiet way to add your own.