Anniversary of a Death: Words for a Mother or Father

A month, a year or five years on, someone in the family is asked to say a few words, at the grave or at the table afterwards. It is not the funeral eulogy again. It is shorter, and it can say what only time makes possible: what the year without them was like, and what the family has kept.

Updated September 29, 2026 · 6 minute read

How it differs from the eulogy

At the funeral, the eulogy tells people who are still in shock who the person was. By the first month or the first anniversary, everyone standing there knows who they were. What they have not heard yet is what you can say now:

The year without them. The first birthday, the first holiday, the moment you picked up the phone to tell them something, and remembered.
What the family has kept. The recipe someone finally learned, the weekly call that now goes between the siblings, the tools still hanging in the shed.
A story that was not told at the funeral. Often one that somebody brought in the first week (a neighbour, a former pupil, someone from work) that the family had never heard.

The audience is different too: smaller and closer, mostly family and old friends. You can speak plainly, and you are allowed to smile. If it is the funeral eulogy you need, how to write a eulogy is the better guide.

A simple structure in four parts

Open with where you are. A sentence or two about this day and what has changed. “A year ago we stood here and could not say much. Today I want to tell you one thing about her.”
One story. Not three. One, told well, with the details: where it was, what was said, what happened next.
What they left. What carries on in the family: a habit, a saying, a way of doing things. Say who carries it now.
Close, and open the door to others. A line to them, and a line to the people standing with you: “If you have a story about her, tell it today, at the table.”

How long to speak

At the grave, two to four minutes: no more than a printed page. People are standing, there may be prayers and other speakers, and the weather rarely helps. At the table afterwards there is more time, but it is best left for other people’s stories. In later years, a minute or two is often right.

Example openings and closings

These show a tone, not text to copy: swap every detail for one of your own. In each, the first line opens, the last one closes, and your story goes in between.

For a mother

A year ago, right here, none of us could finish a sentence. Mum would have laughed at that: she never once left a sentence unfinished.…Mum, the lemon tree you planted by the kitchen window gave fruit this winter. Dana made your jam from it. It came out too sweet, exactly like yours. Next year we will bring you a jar.

For a father, a month on

A month ago I said here that I did not know how we would manage without Dad. I still don’t. But I have learned a few things this month, and I want to tell you one of them.…Dad, your car is still in the driveway. None of us has the heart to move it, and nobody has to yet. Before we leave, I’d like each of you to say one word about him. Just one. He always liked it when things were short.

For a grandparent

Grandpa used to count us when we arrived on Sundays: out loud, one by one, like a teacher on a school trip. Today there are eleven of us. He would want to know who is missing.…Grandpa, Sam was born in March. He won’t remember you, so we will remember for him: he already knows that you whistled when you cooked.

Years later

It has been five years. The children who were small at the funeral are taller than me now, and some of them have asked me to tell the stories again: they are no longer sure which ones they remember and which ones they were told.…Every year we come here, and every year fewer of us knew her when she was young. So this year, Aunt Helen, it is your turn: tell us about her before she was our mother.

What to avoid

Giving the funeral eulogy again. Everyone heard the life story. Choose one thing it left out.
Speaking for everyone. “We have all made our peace” may be true for you and not for the brother standing next to you. Speak for yourself.
Comparing grief. Who visited more, who was there at the end, who is finding it hardest.
Old disputes. The will, the headstone, who decided what: not here, not even by hint.
Only sadness. A year on, people are often waiting for someone to let them laugh. A funny story that is true to the person is a gift.

At a Jewish azkara or yahrzeit

Every family marks the day in its own way: a visit to the grave, a meal, a service. Jewish families keep it on the Hebrew date of death (the yahrzeit), and at the shloshim, the first year and often every year after, they gather at the grave for an azkara: psalms, the El Malei Rachamim prayer, Kaddish, and a few words from the family. Some ask someone to give a short word of Torah, often from that week’s portion. How an azkara is held walks through the gathering, the yahrzeit calculator finds the date for each year, and Jewish mourning customs after the funeral covers the whole calendar.

Writing it down afterwards

Words spoken at a graveside are heard once, by the people who were there. Write yours down afterwards, even roughly, and ask the others for theirs. A memorial page is a place where they can be kept (the words from the first month beside the words from the fifth year) and where the relatives who could not come can read them.

One place for everything that remains

A memorial page you keep: the life story, photographs, recordings, and memories that family and friends send and you approve. A reminder before each yahrzeit when the page keeps the Hebrew date, and everything downloadable at any time. Creating and filling the page is free. It stays private, seen only by you, until you open it to others with one payment: ₪99 in Israel, $39 elsewhere. No subscription.

Create a memorial page See an example page

Common questions

What is the anniversary of a death called?

In English, simply the death anniversary. In Jewish tradition it is the yahrzeit (Yiddish for “a year’s time”), kept on the Hebrew date; in Israel the gathering at the grave is called an azkara.

What can I write to someone on the anniversary of a death?

Name the person and one thing you remember: “Thinking of you today. I still make Ruth’s lentil soup every winter.” One specific detail means more to the family than a long, general message.

Do we have to give a speech every year?

No. Many families speak only in the first year, and later years are a visit, a candle and stories at home. If someone does want to speak, a minute or two is enough.