Azkara (Hazkara): What Happens at the Shloshim and Yahrzeit

Customs differ between Ashkenazi, Sephardi and Chabad families, and between households; for a question of Jewish law, ask the family’s rabbi.

When an azkara is held

There are three occasions. The end of the shloshim, the thirtieth day counting the day of the burial as the first. In Israel the headstone is often set then, and the azkara and the unveiling become one gathering. The yahrzeit, the anniversary of the death by the Hebrew calendar: the first, a year on, is usually the largest, and many families come back every year. And, in many Sephardi families, the end of the eleventh month of Kaddish for a parent (more on that below).

At the cemetery: the order, step by step

There is no single fixed service; it is usually led by whoever knows the prayers: a relative, the rabbi, someone from the burial society. Most families follow this order:

1. Gathering at the grave, with the mourners closest. Kohanim do not go in among the graves; some cemeteries have a path or a spot at the edge from which they can take part.
2. A candle. Some light a memorial candle at the grave as the azkara begins, and many also light one at home the evening before. When to light a memorial candle
3. Psalms. A widespread custom, known as the Jerusalem custom, is seven psalms: 33, 16, 17, 72, 91, 104 and 130. Chabad follows a different order, from the book Ma’aneh Lashon, and some families read just a few, such as Psalm 23.
4. The name in Psalm 119. Psalm 119 is built on the Hebrew alphabet, eight verses for each letter. It is customary to read the verses for each letter of the person’s Hebrew name (some add the letters of a parent’s name), and then the verses for the letters of neshamah, “soul”. Psalm 119 by the letters of the name puts them together for you.
5. A few words about them. Many families speak at this point; others keep it for the meal. What to say at an azkara
6. El Malei Rachamim. The memorial prayer, with the person’s Hebrew name. It can be said without a minyan. In many Sephardi communities the Hashkavah is said instead. El Malei Rachamim with the name filled in
7. The Mourner’s Kaddish. Said by the mourners, and only with a minyan: ten men, in Orthodox practice. Count who is coming before the day. The Mourner’s Kaddish, with transliteration
8. A stone on the headstone. Before leaving, each person places a small stone on the grave. Why stones are left on graves
9. Washing hands. On leaving the cemetery, hands are washed from a cup, alternating, and many leave them to dry in the air.

At home: learning and a meal

Many families go on to someone’s home; some hold the whole azkara there in the evening, with prayers and a minyan. Two customs appear at almost every one:

• Learning Mishnah. Family and friends divide up chapters and study them in the person’s memory, sometimes completing a whole tractate by the azkara. Some choose chapters by the letters of the name; mishnah and neshamah share the same Hebrew letters, and many learn chapter 7 of tractate Mikva’ot, where four mishnayot in a row begin with the letters of neshamah.
• A meal, or a tikkun. Some serve a full meal; others set a simple table (cake, fruit, something to drink), known in many communities as a tikkun. People say the blessings over the food in the person’s memory, and the others answer amen. Keep a notebook on the table: the stories told over the food are often ones the family has never heard.

Which date: death or burial?

The yahrzeit follows the Hebrew date of death, so on the civil calendar it moves from year to year. The Hebrew day begins at sunset: the yahrzeit starts the evening before, and a death after sunset belongs to the next Hebrew date. The yahrzeit calculator finds the Hebrew date and shows the yahrzeits to come.

The common practice is the date of death, even when the burial was a day or two later. The known exception: when the burial was delayed by several days, some authorities keep the first yahrzeit on the date of burial, so that it falls at the end of the year of mourning, and every later one on the date of death. Others, Chabad among them, keep the date of death from the start. If the burial was delayed, ask the family’s rabbi. (The shloshim is always counted from the burial.)

Holding it on another day

The ideal is the date itself, but the visit to the grave is often set on a nearby day when more of the family can come. On Shabbat and festivals it has to move, since the cemetery is not visited then, and many avoid Chol HaMoed, Purim and Chanukah too. Many rabbis advise earlier rather than later, and Kaddish is said on the yahrzeit itself either way.

A memorial page on Place a Stone that keeps the Hebrew date sends a reminder a week before the yahrzeit, enough time to agree on a day and find a minyan.

Eleven months or twelve?

Both are right; they measure different things. Mourning for a parent lasts twelve months, and the yahrzeit falls a year after the death. Kaddish for a parent, though, is customarily said for eleven months only: tradition holds that twelve months is the span of judgement for the wicked, and stopping early avoids counting one’s parent among them. For Ashkenazim the end of the eleventh month simply marks the end of Kaddish. In many Sephardi families it is an azkara of its own, with a meal; many then pause Kaddish for a week and say it again until the twelve months are complete, and the first yahrzeit is held as well.

In a Hebrew leap year, which has thirteen months, the twelve months of mourning end a month before the date of death; some hold the first azkara then and others on the date itself, so ask the rabbi.