Shiva Etiquette: What to Bring, What to Say, When to Visit

Customs differ between Ashkenazi and Sephardi, Orthodox and liberal, and one family and the next. For a question of Jewish law, ask the family’s rabbi.

What sitting shiva means

Shiva is Hebrew for “seven”: the first seven days of mourning, counted from the day of the burial (a burial that ends after nightfall, as at a night funeral, counts from the next day). The seven closest relatives (father, mother, son, daughter, brother, sister and spouse) stay at home, usually where the person lived, and friends and community come to them. Shiva begins when the family returns from the cemetery. If the burial is during a festival, including Chol HaMoed, shiva begins only after the festival. The rabbi will give the dates. What happens at the funeral

“Sitting shiva” comes from the low stools or cushions the mourners sit on. You may also notice:

• A candle burning all week and, in many homes, covered mirrors. About the memorial candle
• A torn shirt or a black ribbon: the keriah, made at the funeral and worn all week.
• Mourners in socks, unshaven: during shiva it is customary not to wear leather shoes, shave, cut one’s hair, work or leave the house.
• Prayers at set times, morning and evening, with a minyan, so the mourners can say the Mourner’s Kaddish at home.

When to visit and how long to stay

The death notice usually gives the address, visiting hours and prayer times; keep to them, since the family needs the gaps to rest. Some hold that the first days belong to close family and friends; if you knew the person less well, later in the week is considerate. Twenty minutes to half an hour is usually right.

Coming for a service is a real kindness: in Orthodox practice a minyan needs ten men, not easy to gather on a weekday. If you do not know the prayers, stand or sit quietly with everyone else and talk to the mourners afterwards.

What to bring to a shiva

A shiva house receives dozens of people and cooks almost nothing, so food is the usual gift. The first meal after the funeral, the seudat havra’ah (“meal of recovery”), is traditionally prepared by others and often includes round foods such as hard-boiled eggs or lentils. After that:

• Ask first. Often one person coordinates meals, so that ten cakes do not arrive on one day.
• Respect kashrut. If the family keeps kosher, buy from a kosher bakery or caterer and bring it sealed.
• Make it easy. Disposable trays, a label, nothing that has to be returned.
• Not flowers. Flowers are not a traditional Jewish mourning custom. To do something in the person’s memory, give to a cause they cared about.

Coming empty-handed is fine too: the mourners are not hosts, and nobody expects a gift.

What to say at a shiva

Tradition asks three things of visitors, and none of them is a speech:

1. Do not greet the mourners. Come in quietly, without “hello” or “how are you”. The door is often left open so nobody has to ring. If the mourners stay seated, that is the custom, not coldness.
2. Let the mourner speak first. Sit near them and wait; they may want to talk about the person, about something else, or not at all. One specific memory (the way he whistled at the bus stop) comforts more than any phrase.
3. Say the traditional words as you leave, instead of goodbye:

HaMakom, literally “the Place”, is a name for God: the One present everywhere, here too. To a single mourner some say otcha (to a man) or otach (to a woman) instead of etchem; many use the plural for the whole family. Many Sephardim say “Min hashamayim tenuchamu” (“May you be comforted from Heaven”). If the Hebrew does not come naturally, “I’m so sorry” is enough. For cards, messages and what is better left unsaid: what to say to someone grieving.

Shiva etiquette for non-Jews

You are welcome, and nobody expects you to know the customs.

• Dress plainly and modestly. Black is not required. In Orthodox homes women usually wear a skirt below the knee and cover their shoulders; men may be offered a kippah during prayers, and wearing one is simply a courtesy.
• Wait before offering a hand. In Orthodox homes some men and women do not touch anyone of the opposite sex outside the family. Let the mourner offer first.
• Keep the card plain: no cross or saints. A few handwritten lines are perfect.
• You do not need to join in. Nobody expects you to pray or to set aside your own faith. Being there is the point.

What happens on Shabbat during shiva

Shabbat counts as one of the seven days, but mourning is not shown in public. The mourners get up on Friday afternoon to prepare; on Shabbat they dress as usual, wear shoes, sit on ordinary chairs and go to synagogue, while private mourning continues. Shiva resumes on Saturday night, after Shabbat ends. Most families do not receive visitors on Shabbat, which makes Saturday night one of the busiest times to come.

When does shiva end?

On the morning of the seventh day, after the morning prayers, since part of that day counts as a whole one. If the funeral was on a Tuesday, shiva ends the following Monday morning. Those present sit with the mourners for a few minutes, then tell them to get up; some recite a verse from Isaiah:

Many families then walk around the block together, a first step back into the world, or go to the grave. A major festival (Rosh Hashanah, Yom Kippur, Passover, Shavuot or Sukkot) usually ends shiva early: the shiva and shloshim calculator works out the dates, and the rabbi decides in any doubt. Some families, especially in Reform communities, sit for fewer days. Mourning then continues, more quietly, through the shloshim and, for a parent, the whole year. Shloshim, the yahrzeit and what comes after shiva

The stories told at a shiva

The shiva brings people who missed the funeral, often with a story. Albums come out of drawers, someone finds an old letter, and by evening everyone in the room has their own version of the same family joke. A memorial page can keep all of it: once the page is open, whoever told a story writes it there, relatives too far away to come send their own, and the family approves each memory before it appears.