Shiva, Shloshim, Yahrzeit: Jewish Mourning After the Funeral

Customs differ between communities and between families. This guide describes common practice; for questions of Jewish law, ask a rabbi.

Shiva

The first seven days, counted from the day of the burial. The immediate family (parents, children, siblings and spouse) stay at home and visitors come to comfort them. Prayers are often held at the house with a minyan, and the mourners say Kaddish. Shiva ends on the morning of the seventh day, and many families then visit the grave together.

Shloshim

Thirty days from the burial, including the days of shiva. At the end of shloshim a memorial gathering is usually held at the grave, and in Israel many families set the headstone then. Some complete the study of a tractate of Mishnah in the person’s memory. Until the end of shloshim mourners keep certain restrictions (for example, not cutting their hair and not attending celebrations), and the details vary by custom.

The year of mourning

For a parent, mourning lasts twelve months. Children say Kaddish: Ashkenazim for eleven months, while many Sephardi and Mizrahi communities pause for one week at the start of the twelfth month, then continue to the end of the twelve months. Many avoid celebrations and music during the year. For other relatives, mourning ends with the shloshim.

The yahrzeit

Every year, on the Hebrew date of death. The calculator works it out for the next ten years. The yahrzeit begins the evening before. It is customary to light a memorial candle that evening, say Kaddish at the services, be called up to the Torah on the Shabbat before, visit the grave and give to charity in the person’s memory. Some fast on the yahrzeit of a parent.

Yizkor and the Hashkavah

Ashkenazim say the Yizkor memorial prayer in synagogue four times a year, for parents and relatives: on Yom Kippur, Shemini Atzeret, the last day of Passover, and Shavuot. It is customary to pledge charity in their memory. Sephardi and Mizrahi communities do not say Yizkor in this form; they say the Hashkavah.

Arranging an azkara: a practical checklist

1. Set the date: the Hebrew anniversary, or for the shloshim, the thirtieth day counting the day of the burial. If it falls on Shabbat or a festival, the visit to the grave is usually the day before or after.
2. Tell family and friends: in the family group, by phone to older relatives, and, once the memorial page is open, with a link to it, so that those who cannot come can still take part.
3. Arrange a minyan: ten men for Kaddish, in Orthodox practice. Confirm beforehand who is coming.
4. Arrange El Malei Rachamim: many ask a cantor, someone from the burial society, or a relative who knows it.
5. Prepare what will be said: who speaks, and about what. There is more time than at the funeral, and room for stories. How to write a eulogy
6. Bring to the grave: small stones to place on the headstone, books of Psalms, and water to wash hands when leaving the cemetery. Why stones are left on graves
7. Afterwards: many families gather for a meal at home, and that is usually when the best stories come out. Ask someone to write them down.

Keeping what was said

At every memorial gathering someone tells a story nobody had heard and someone shares a photograph nobody had seen. A memorial page is where they can be gathered. Once the page is open, those who were there add what they told, those who were not can read it, and next year it is all still there.