Jewish Headstone Unveiling: Ceremony, Program, Invitation

Customs differ between communities, and between Israel and elsewhere. This guide describes common practice; for questions of Jewish law, ask your family’s rabbi.

What an unveiling is, and what it means

A headstone is a matzevah in Hebrew, the word Genesis uses for the pillar Jacob set on Rachel’s grave, and Jews have marked graves with stone ever since. The unveiling itself is not a fixed rite of Jewish law but a handful of customs that grew up around the setting of the stone: psalms, a memorial prayer, Kaddish, and a few words about the person.

No rabbi is required. Any family member or friend can lead it; a rabbi or cantor is a choice, not an obligation. (Māori families in New Zealand hold unveilings too, the hura kōhatu, usually about a year after the death. The order of service here is the Jewish one.)

When the unveiling is held

• In Israel, the stone is usually set around the shloshim (thirty days from the burial), and the ceremony is held together with the shloshim gathering.
• Some set it sooner, on the day after shiva ends. This is the Chabad custom, for example.
• Outside Israel, many families wait and hold the unveiling during the first year, often close to the first yahrzeit. Sometimes the stone is already in place and the ceremony is scheduled later.
• Not on Shabbat or a festival. For Chol HaMoed and other special days, ask the rabbi.
• In Nisan eulogies are not given, and some communities avoid the cemetery altogether. Many still hold the unveiling if the shloshim falls then, with a few short words instead of a eulogy. Ask your rabbi.

In practice the date also depends on the monument maker and the cemetery. Order early, and agree the day with both before you tell anyone.

Who arranges it, and what to prepare

The family arranges the unveiling, together with the monument maker. A few things to settle in advance:

1. The stone itself: the wording, the spelling and the Hebrew date. Ask for a proof before the engraving, and check the cemetery’s rules.
2. The day and time: agreed with the monument maker, so the stone is in place before the ceremony.
3. A minyan: ten men, in Orthodox practice, needed for Kaddish. Count who has said yes, and ask a few more than you need.
4. Who will say El Malei Rachamim: often a cantor or someone from the burial society; a relative can also read it from a printed page.
5. What to bring: books of Psalms or printed sheets, small stones for the headstone, water for washing hands if there is no tap nearby, and a cloth if your family covers the stone.

An unveiling program: the order of the ceremony

The ceremony is short, and the order varies. A common program, which you can print as a one-page script:

1. Welcome: whoever leads says why you have gathered and who will speak.
2. Psalms: many read the seven psalms of the Jerusalem custom (33, 16, 17, 72, 91, 104 and 130); others read just one or two, such as Psalm 23 or Psalm 91. Then come the verses of Psalm 119 that begin with the letters of the person’s Hebrew name, followed by those for the letters of נשמה, neshamah, “soul”. Find the verses for any name here.
3. Uncovering the stone: where the headstone has been covered, the cloth is removed now. It is a relatively recent custom, most common outside Israel. You may want to read the inscription aloud.
4. A few words: one to three speakers, a few minutes each.
5. El Malei Rachamim: the memorial prayer, with the person’s name. Many Sephardi communities say the Hashkavah; Chabad customarily omits this prayer at an unveiling. The full prayer, with the name filled in.
6. Mourner’s Kaddish: said by the mourners if a minyan is present. The Kaddish with transliteration.
7. Placing stones: everyone places a small stone on the headstone. Why stones are left on graves

On leaving the cemetery it is customary to wash your hands. Many families then gather for a meal at home, which is usually where the stories come out.

What to say at an unveiling

Words at an unveiling are shorter than a eulogy, and usually lighter. There is some distance now, and room for one good story, for what has happened in the family since, or for why you chose the words on the stone. Three or four minutes is enough. Some read a letter to the person or a poem they loved; some ask the grandchildren to place the first stones. How to write a speech for a memorial

Unveiling invitation wording

Send it as soon as the date is fixed, and say where to meet: in a large cemetery a new grave is hard to find.

What the headstone says

Most Jewish headstones follow the same structure: פ״נ, “here lies”, at the top; the Hebrew name with the father’s name; the Hebrew date of death; a personal line; and ת.נ.צ.ב.ה at the bottom. Often the same details appear in English beneath. What to write on a headstone, and the Hebrew wording with the Hebrew date

A stone has room for a few lines. Everything else (the stories, the photographs, the voice) can live on a memorial page: once the page is open, the people who stood at the grave add what they told, and the family approves each memory before it appears. We are also preparing a QR plaque for the headstone that leads to the page; it is not on sale yet.