How to Explain Death to a Child: Should Kids Go to Funerals?

How to tell a child that someone has died

Tell them soon, somewhere quiet, before they hear it from someone else, ideally from you or the adult closest to them. Say it in two or three sentences, then stop. A child may cry, ask something strange or go back to their game; all of that is normal.

Say “died”, not “went to sleep”

• “Grandpa went to sleep.” The child may become afraid of falling asleep.
• “We lost him.” Then why is nobody looking for him?
• “Grandma went away.” The child waits for her to come back.
• “He was ill.” Add “very, very ill, not like a cold”, or every fever becomes frightening.

Whatever you believe about what comes after, say the physical fact first: the body stopped working, and the person will not come back. Then add your belief; many Jewish families speak of the neshamah, the soul, which goes on. “I don’t know” is an honest answer too. Expect the same questions again and again, and answer them the same way.

What children understand at different ages

Rough stages, not rules. And children grieve in bursts: tears one minute, a request for a biscuit the next.

Toddlers, up to about 3

They cannot understand death, but they feel the absence and the tension at home. Keep their routine and keep it short: “Grandma died. She can’t come any more.” Clinginess, broken sleep and old baby habits are common for a while.

Ages 4 to 7

Many think death is temporary and ask when Grandpa is coming back. Some believe something they thought or did caused it; tell them clearly that it did not. Blunt questions about the body, or playing at funerals, are how they work it out. In these years most children grasp that death is for ever.

Ages 8 to 12

They know that death is final and happens to everyone, and may fear who will die next, you included. Answer their questions plainly and tell them who looks after them: “I hope to be here for a very, very long time” is kinder than a promise. Some hide their feelings to protect you; tell them they need not.

Teenagers

They understand as adults do, but often grieve with friends, and online, more than with the family. Give them information and a real say, not adult responsibilities, and tell a teacher they trust.

Should children go to funerals?

There is no set age. A child who wants to go, and knows what to expect, can usually go: a funeral they saw is often easier to live with than one they imagined.

• Prepare them. People crying, prayers, a short walk behind the body, earth shovelled into the grave. In Israel the body is usually carried in a shroud, with no coffin; say so beforehand. What happens at a Jewish funeral
• Let them choose, and change their mind. A child who stays at home has done nothing wrong; tell them afterwards what happened.
• Give them their own adult: someone they know well, not a chief mourner, whose only job that day is the child and who can take them out if it gets too much.

Keriah. It is customary to make keriah for a bereaved child too: an adult tears the garment, and for a young child makes only a small, symbolic cut. Whoever leads the funeral will say what is done.

In Jerusalem and some communities, customs limit who goes to the grave (sometimes the children of the person who died); ask the chevra kadisha. Adults are cautioned not to bring kohen boys into a cemetery, even small ones; for a close relative’s funeral, ask the rabbi.

A job for the child

Children cope better when they can do something. Offer, never insist:

• A drawing or a letter for the person who died, to show at the shiva or to keep.
• A stone they choose themselves, perhaps on a walk the two of them used to take, to place on the grave. Why Jews leave stones on graves
• The candle. Lighting the shiva or yahrzeit candle with an adult gives a young child a ritual of their own. About the memorial candle

Kids at a shiva

In Jewish law a child under bar or bat mitzvah age is not obliged to keep the mourning customs: no low chair, no giving up leather shoes, no staying home from school. Many go back to school during the week, and the routine helps; whether an older child keeps some customs is for the family and the rabbi. Let them hand round the cake, give them a quiet corner to escape to, and do not mind the laughter. What happens during the shiva

Children and Kaddish

A boy under bar mitzvah may say Kaddish for a parent; the Mishnah Berurah explains that the Mourner’s Kaddish was left to orphans partly for those too young to lead the prayers. If he wants to, practise it together. Whether a daughter says it differs between communities: ask the rabbi. The Mourner’s Kaddish

The first year

A child may seem fine at the shiva and fall apart months later, on a birthday or at the Seder. What helps:

• Tell the school or nursery, before the child goes back and again before Mother’s Day or Father’s Day.
• Invite them to the shloshim, the unveiling and the yahrzeit, with the same preparation and choice as the funeral.
• Keep saying the name. Children often stop mentioning the person to protect the adults, so mention them first.
• Expect grief to come back. A child who was four will grieve again at eight and at thirteen, understanding more each time.

One day the child will want to know who this person was. Ask relatives to write their stories down now (how to gather family memories) and keep the drawings. A memorial page can keep them together until the child is old enough to read it.

When to get professional help

Most children, given honest answers and adults close by, come through grief without therapy. Speak to the school counsellor, your GP or a child psychologist if:

• things get worse as the weeks go by, not better;
• the child stops coping: refuses school, barely eats or sleeps, or withdraws from friends;
• they stay stuck in baby habits, or keep blaming themselves;
• a teenager turns to alcohol, drugs or risk-taking;
• the death was sudden or violent (an accident, a suicide, a terror attack, a war), or the child saw it.

If a child talks about wanting to die or to hurt themselves, speak to a professional the same day; at any hour you can also call ERAN on 1201 in Israel, 988 in the US and Canada, or Samaritans on 116 123 in the UK and Ireland. And look after yourself too: children learn how to grieve from the adults around them.